‘Tis the Stuff Dreams are Made of

Over the past one month I’ve been doing a lot of travelling. I had earlier made a decision to make a certain sum of money before I headed out. However, it just so happened that I decided to go travelling irrespective of how much money I had in my bank. Mostly, the reason for this was the fact that I was really bored and restless. I was tired of waiting. I had to go out and do it. So, here’s what happened. I set off on a month long trip to Karnataka. My itinerary was somewhat like this:

Mumbai–Bangalore–Gokarna–Manipal-St. Mary’s Island and Udupi (side trips from Manipal)- Moodbidri– Mysore- Sravanabelgola- Hassan-Belur– Halebid-Bangalore-Mumbai- New Delhi.

Some of the highlights of my trip:

• Around 70 hours of train travel split over three trips- Mumbai-Bangalore-Mumbai and Mumbai-Delhi. The Mumbai-Delhi train journey typically takes around 17 hours but I chose a longer journey because it was cheaper to travel that way. I saved around Rs. 500 by spending an extra 4 hours in a train. I also lowered my class of train by one level for this journey and all subsequent journeys.
• Over 40 hours of bus travel using various types of buses ranging from a local bus to an air-conditioned Volvo. The longest I spent on a bus was an overnight journey of 12 hours while the shortest was probably an hour or so. Most journeys were in the 3-5 hour range. There were days when I would spend close to 12 hours on 5 different buses as well.
• I walked endless miles. I would walk kilometres just to save Rs. 30-40 on transport. And of course, seeing sites involved a lot of walking as well.
• I spent a couple of hours walking up two hills which involved climbing over 800 steps to see a monolithic statue and 14 temples. I climbed down a quarter of the way and went back up because I discovered an alternative route to go up which was completely tourist-free and a slightly steeper climb.
• I took a few short boat rides as well as a ferry ride.
• I fell down flat on my face on the beach on my second day in Gokarna and had a minor sprain and rather painful 4 square inch graze on my shin. Later on in the trip, I also suffered from high fever and a mild intestine infection. As a result of the latter, I had to cut my trip short and head back to Mumbai instead of going off to Hampi, as originally planned.
• I did not buy water (except in Gokarna where there is no other option) and instead chose to drink what I hoped was drinking water wherever I went. This was possibly the cause of the mild intestine infection. Clearly, I have grown soft.
• There were times when I ate only one meal a day. That was mostly due to the fact that I did not have time to eat. Note to self: carry biscuits or something while travelling.
• There were times when I ate 4 meals a day. That was largely in Gokarna. In fact, Rashmi and I sampled Nutella pancakes in several cafes on Om Beach. Tip: If you ever find yourself on Om Beach in Gokarna, try out the Nutella Pancakes at the Dolphin Cafe. They are perfect and oozing with Nutella goodness. While they are a tad more expensive than other places, the extra Rs. 20 is totally worth it. It would probably be a good idea to share one between two people.
• I washed my 3 sets of clothes several times during the course of my journey. It was surprisingly easy and not as painful as I had expected it to be. Of course, the key was to soak the clothes for a while before I went about washing them.
• The sights: a palace, several museums, several temples, a set of idols made of precious and semi-precious stones, a few beaches.
• I have slept in a room which consisted of a block of stone (the cot) with a thin mattress and dirty sheets, an apartment, and a few decent hotels.
•  I had a couple of Nirvana moments (one in Gokarna and one on my way to Hassan from Sravanbelgola), and several epiphanies regarding love, life, truth, money, travel and mostly, about me.
• I have  confirmed my suspicion that I am a terrible photographer. I have taken over 800 photographs over the course of this trip and I am certain most are pretty terrible.
•  I have confirmed my suspicion that I am very happy by myself, have conquered my fear of travelling alone, and realised that I really can do it. It is strange but I have endless energy where travelling is concerned.
•  I have started observing more. There are sights, I know I have seen all my life but never noticed before. I particularly loved the various colours of houses- lime green, purple, bright yellow, orange. Interestingly, most houses along the highways were painted with advertisements for telecom companies and cement manufacturers.
•  I woke up early during my travels and slept early. For anyone who knows me, that is a big achievement because I am quite a night owl and prefer to sleep late and wake up late. I think the reason I was waking up early so eagerly was because I was really excited about the day. I felt that there was something worthwhile to look forward to and do.
• I learnt more Kannada during the course of my travels than I have learnt in 8 years in Bangalore.
• For some strange reason, a lot of people asked me which country I am from. I found that weird because I look very obviously Indian especially when sporting the tan I got in Gokarna. When I informed them that I am an Indian, they were puzzled.
• I felt like an alien in my own country. I don’t seem to fit in. Somehow, I come across as an outsider wherever I go. I think that is undesirable especially in my own country. In its own way though, I found it very natural to travel and be constantly on the move. I was never long enough in a place to really worry about belonging. There were days when I would be in 3 different places- begin the day somewhere, head somewhere else and end it somewhere else (the joys of travelling light!).
• At one point in time, I found myself surrounded by a crowd consisting of mostly children and a few men and women. They were all shouting questions at me- wanting to know my name, where I am from and mostly, why I am alone. They also wanted me to click photographs of them and with them. Somehow, I didn’t handle that too well and ran away from the crowd. Being surrounded by so many people in the centre of the temple complex at Belur was a little too overwhelming for me.
• There were times when I was given wrong advice, and times when people got angry at me for asking directions. I was also ‘adopted’ by 2 older men along the way. One of them was all right but the other was pretty darn creepy. Fortunately, I managed to get rid of the creepy one pretty soon and got some interesting travel tips from the other one.
• Everything looks better in the morning. Seriously, when it comes to staying in hotels, I have realised that if I can spend one night in that place, spending another night or so would not be problem. Rashmi and I faced that problem when we were in Gokarna. We were paying a fortune for the stone slab and we decided  we will spend one night there and get out the next day. However, after spending one night, we figured that we could easily spend another night there. Something similar also happened to me in Manipal.
• I wrote a travel journal during the course of my trip. The thoughts were mostly incoherent, my grammar was terrible and my English was stilted. However, it was wonderful because I wrote down my impressions while they were still fresh and rambled constantly. Since, my travel journal is ‘for my eyes only’, I found it very easy to be honest.

For me, backpacking has been a dream I have nurtured for over 10 years. Just before I set off on my trip, I was plagued by this strange fear of having my dream come true. I was wondering whether it would be everything I had dreamed it would be or whether I would be thoroughly disappointed and left without a dream at the end of it. I am happy to report that it was everything I had dreamed of and much more. It was not all hunky dory and there were times when I was discouraged and annoyed, but I managed to get around those hurdles. I innovated constantly on my itinerary and in fact ended up doing something which I hadn’t really planned. My plans would change on a daily basis and I loved that. It worried the parents quite a bit but I think they managed as best as they could.

Going forward, I find myself wondering and reflecting upon the lessons I learnt on this trip. I have instituted a no-fly policy for any travel within India as well as South East Asia. Not only is it cheaper but it is also more interesting and flexible. I also wonder if there is an overarching theme to my travel. As of now, I can’t really put my finger on one theme. I also want to change the focus of my travel. While I love seeing sights and doing the touristy stuff, I am very interesting in understanding a place and the culture of the place. In order to do that, I would have to travel more slowly, I suspect. I find myself wondering how that will work but I am sure I will figure it out once I become a more seasoned traveller.

What’s next: Tomorrow, I head to Jaipur for the Literary Festival. It is going to be 5 days of discussions and talks involving authors. There are also musical events in the evening. From here, I come back home for a while and then, probably spend some time exploring Delhi for a few days. The last time I explored Delhi was over 15 years ago and I thought it would be interesting to visit some of the sights there again. Mid-February, I head back to Bombay for a bit and then head to the Eastern part of the country to explore West Bengal, Assam and Sikkim.

In other news, my Blackberry died, and its freezing out here. And now, I must go pack for tomorrow.

On Time and Travel

I am off to Bangalore (again!) in a few hours. I randomly decided about 3 weeks back that I would go off to Bangalore for Rashmi’s birthday. Part of the reason for the same was that I was told that I am not allowed to stay at home alone (my grandmom and uncle are off to Phuket on a family holiday.) For me, this was a wonderful opportunity to head to Bangalore and take off on a little backpacking trip around Karnataka. For a change, I didn’t complain or fight. I just quietly smiled to myself though I couldn’t resist a few comments about how they all think (except my uncle who found the whole thing absurd) it is safer for me to be living in some dump in some part of Karnataka as opposed to staying at home all alone.

In this light, I have been musing on something over the past couple of weeks. Having time but no money is a strange experience for me. I am used to having lots of money but no time and I am used to having no money and no time. However, having the time to take a 25 hour journey all the way to Bangalore for one of my best friend’s birthday is a luxury I could not have afforded when I was working. In fact, it saddens me to note that despite living in the same city, while working, I was unable to attend any of her birthdays for 2 years. I missed friends’ engagements, weddings, birthdays and all occasions of note. Instead, I spent money I earned by giving up valuable memories and time on shoes. In retrospect, how foolish of me!

To me, there is nothing more valuable than my time right now and the freedom I have to choose how I want to spend it, even if it involves sleeping all day long. While, I do try and keep myself occupied either by reading, writing or learning and more recently, planning a host of travel itineraries (including a trip to Rajasthan, one to Eastern parts of India and an overland backpacking trip to South East Asia), there are times when I simply do nothing and enjoy that as well.

Having time and the freedom to choose how I spend it is somehow translating into lesser money being spent. For starters, I can travel by train and depending on how low one is willing to travel, long journeys can be made for a fraction of the cost of a flight. I am still travelling like a diva but I am hoping to bring it down to the absolute basics. For short journeys, I have already done that but for the slightly longer ones, I am still spending more than I would like to. However, I am okay with it for the time being because I am comfortable with the idea of giving myself the space and time to adjust to this kind of lifestyle. The important thing is to start and from there, I can make modifications to simplify it further. I am just afraid that if I take it too far from the beginning, I might not find the experience enjoyable. Slowly easing myself into it, seems like a more sensible thing to do. And of course, I have all the time in the world!

I am notorious for overpacking. I could carry 20 kilos of things for 3 days of travelling. Partly because, I don’t plan my packing and partly because I suffer from ‘just in case’. What if I need this pair of shoes and that handbag? Tonight, while packing, I packed 3 sets of clothes for a 20 day trip, a host of basic toiletries, 2 pairs of shoes (a pair of sneakers and a pair of flip flops), a night suit, a shawl, a light sweater, a thin towel and some other basic travel gear. I am carrying two small backpacks and I now realise that I need to invest in a rucksack. The backpacks are light and  there is a method to the seeming madness of the packing. The biggest challenge with respect to packing has been (a) not carrying a laptop, and (b) not carrying any reading material (except for Lonely Planet India). Instead, I downloaded some e-books on my IPod Touch and am hoping that that will suffice. I am finally beginning to understand why so many people carry Kindles. For an avid reader like me, not having a book to read would drive me nuts. Unfortunately, books are heavy and one would not suffice for me. My IPod should also double up as a device to surf the internet (provided I have access to WiFi, of course).

The next few weeks will involve me having to wash my clothes (an activity I absolutely abhor), live on dosas (which I love) and travelling the way most of India travels (except for the long train journeys but all in good time!) My budget is a little high and can be reduced further but that is another thing I have to figure out along the way. I am not the most street smart person I know, unfortunately. On top of that, I am terrible at directions and have no road sense. More than anything else, I think I need to worry about getting lost.

I get back to Mumbai on January 8, 2012. I will probably be bringing in the new year in some small hotel in some part of Karnataka either alone or with some friends made along the way. At the end of this trip, I expect to have some sort of direction and a few things figured out for myself.

This little girl is off to find herself a happy ending… in 3.5 hours! Yay!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone. 🙂

Turning Points

For some reason which I cannot explain and frankly, I don’t even care enough to find an explanation for it, I have this supreme confidence in myself that things will work out. Never the most confident of persons especially when it came to believing in myself, this is a new experience for me. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that it comes from this wonderful feeling I have inside of me that for the first time, I have got things figured out. To most people, I seem lost. They don’t understand what I am doing and they think I’ve completely lost it. While that used to bother me a lot earlier, somehow, I don’t really care too much anymore.

People keep asking me when I am going to start living in the real world. In my opinion, the world has never seemed more real to me. I have never understood how big it really it is and how much it has to offer- how many opportunities there are and how there is a place for everyone. My 18 year old cousin understands it better than me- he told me that it is a big enough place to accommodate everyone. And that is true.

The second question I get asked very often is why I am throwing away so much of my hard work and the one area I have an expertise in. I believe that I am intelligent enough to carve out a path which is to my liking. While it is true that I spent several years of my life in law school and then working as a lawyer, it is not reason enough for me to ransom the rest of my life to it. I have no regrets about going to law school or spending 2 years working as a lawyer. For starters, law school gave me my 2 best friends in the world. That alone, would make it completely worth it. In addition, it opened my mind to a host of different things and thought processes. It increased my level of confidence and helped me come out of a shell. It really made me a better person. It gave me certain tools which I know will help me with whatever comes my way. So, on that front, I don’t think I am really throwing anything away. I think I am just using all that I have learnt to do something I really want to do.

The third question I get asked is what is my plan for when I am back from my little jaunt around the world. I really have no plan. I have no idea what I will do when I am done travelling (assuming that I am ever done travelling- 😉 ). All I know is that there will be a host of opportunities which I will find either along the way or whenever I am back. I have enough confidence in myself to know that whatever happens, I will figure things out as and when. The plan, as of now, is to have no plan.

If I look back at my life, I believe there were several turning points which led to this juncture. If I believed in providence, I would say that everything in my life has been leading to this point in my life. I think the first turning point in my life was when a friend of mine in school suggested to my 16 year old self that we should backpack around Europe once school is over with. At that time, I was obsessed with Paris. My experience with learning French, my love for French perfumes and my desire to see Le Louvre and La Tour Eiffel, amongst other sights of Paris, made me want to do it more than anything else. Over time, my knowledge of Paris has reduced (at one point in time, I really thought I could guide people around Paris despite having never visited the city), most of my French has been forgotten, and my love for French perfumes has been dampened because I own too many now. However, the desire to visit the city still remains, although, it has morphed into something deeper. I am no longer as excited about La Tour Eiffel or Les Champs Elysees or even Notre Dame, I am more interested in checking out the city which Anthony Burgess, Oscar Wilde and Henry Miller thrived in. While I understand that the city has changed significantly since then, I still think there will always be the breeding ground for authors, artists and other ‘weird people’. For me, Paris has always symbolised ‘le noir’ in some ways. It has always seemed like this city with underground dens with high consumption of the green fairy, berets and random artists thriving on the road- it has always been a little bohemian to me. I realise that I may find myself disappointed when I do visit the city but I still believe that if I search hard enough, I will experience all the ‘le noir’ Paris has to offer. And yes, there is always the cheese.

I think this one suggestion set this course for me. The second turning point was reading Danielle Steele’s Wanderlust. I don’t remember much of the book but I do remember it being a lot about travelling. As someone who does not like Danielle Steele’s writing, liking a book by her was weird for me. I remember not finishing the book though because my access to the book was taken away before I could finish it. However, it made me want to sate my own wanderlust.

The third significant turning point was my trip to Gokarna from college with a friend of mine. During that trip, I had a chance to meet several foreigners who were travelling around the world. There was John (32) and his cousin (17) who were driving around India on bikes. A farrier and bricklayer from the Isle of Man, I remember feeling extremely jealous that they were travelling so much. John had already taken several trips biking across the world and had spent a year in Phuket teaching scuba diving by the day and bartending by the night. All four of us chatted till late in the night and did the usual amount of flirting. It was extremely intense and I mentioned my desire to travel and John  said I should do it even if I do nothing else. Then, there was a 40 something year old, hash-smoking, British chap we met who was building a house in Ooty and was essentially a journalist who worked from Ooty and made a few trips back to London every year. He had decided to stay in Ooty because he loved the place and invited us to come stay with him whenever we wanted. We also met this American couple who had spent the past year travelling around India. I remember being ashamed that they had seen so much more of India than I had.

The fourth turning point in my life was my trip to Dharamshala with my family. I remember discussing Shantaram with an American lady who had settled down in Brazil and came every year to Dharamshala. We had an intense but brief discussion about the book and how much we both loved it. We also met this other lady with whom we had a discussion regarding George Bush’s re-election. That trip made me realise that I would love to come and live in Dharamshala for a while. I loved the energy and the excitement there.

The fifth turning point in my life and the one which really did it for me was my trip to Bangkok. A much-needed holiday to get me out of this depression I was in gifted by my extremely generous uncle. Bangkok will always hold a special place in my heart because it made me realise how wonderful life can be. I was a different person in Bangkok. I jumped out of the most comfortable bed I have ever slept in eagerly to dine on a delicious breakfast and then, get ready for the day. I dressed well, I wore lenses every single day, wore some funky jewellery and I even put on make-up everyday! People often asked me how old I was and when I told them I was 26, they were shocked. They thought I was 21! A really strange experience for me because in India, people usually take me to be much older than I really am. I suppose part of it was because I couldn’t stop smiling and I could feel myself glowing. I also dressed like myself because I did not have to worry about anyone’s sensibilities. Harem pants, tie-dyed dhoti pants, shorts, tie-dyed loose shifts pretty much summed up my wardrobe there. I had so much energy. Walking around Sukhumvit at night, the Chatuchak Weekend Market, the sex show at Patpong, the wonderful two hour massage- I could go on about Bangkok. There was a new thing to experience every single day. Bangkok showed me that life could be so much more than sitting in an air-conditioned office working insane hours for the security of a paycheck at the end of the day. It showed me that life was all about experiencing new things. It showed me how easily I could be myself when I did not have to worry about ‘other people’. It really showed me what my life could be. I contemplated running away and just sticking around in Bangkok for a while and experiencing more of this life. Instead, I did the sensible thing and cried all the way back into the life I had come to dread- a life which showed no promise of happiness.

What happened next was that I spent month researching travel options, realising that I had no money and that I was being impractical and that I would have to go back to being a lawyer. And then, everything changed.

I am still terrified but not as much as I used to be. I am more hopeful now than I was several months back. I can feel it in my bones that I am on the right track. I do occasionally suffer from bouts of self-doubt but they are less periodic than they used to be. On the whole, I find myself excited, happy and confident. I still have very little money. In terms of assets, I have a tiny amount in my bank account, intelligence, confidence, and a passion. To me, that sounds like a pretty damn good place to start from! And the rest? No idea. I will figure it out as and when I need to.

Fortunately, the world we live in is full of options and opportunities. This is a wonderful time to live in. We don’t realise that there is always another option and that we can choose to do what we want to. I know I didn’t. It took a lot of inspiration from others who lead their kind of life, and an immense amount of work on myself for me to reach this point. I hope to never stray from this path. It brings me unparalleled joy.

Endless Possibilities

Nowadays, when I wake up, I look forward to what the day has to bring. Every day is a new day with a host of different possibilities and opportunities- some of which I notice but ignore, some of which I grab and some of which completely pass me by. Mostly, I am happy with how my days go, but sometimes, something happens which completely fazes me. For example, today, while taking my customary walk in the park, I dropped my phone and temporarily lost it. A year back, I would have been miserable about it for days. Today, I got extremely annoyed with myself but accepted it and took it as an opportunity to go without a phone for an indefinite amount of time. I have been wanting to untether from my cellphone for a while now and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to me. As always, life had other plans for me and some kind and decent soul restored my faith in humanity by returning it to me. A quick dash to the park after dinner, a small tip to the chap in gratitude and a handshake later, I was in possession of my phone again, happy with the way things had turned out for me.

I find myself filled with wonder at the capriciousness of life. My life changes on a daily basis- sometimes things go well and sometimes they don’t. When things don’t go too well, I just shrug it off and figure that something better will come along. In that sense, I find my life interesting. I find the world full of endless possibilities and believe that things will work out. I have let go of whatever little control I thought I had over my life and just take things as they come. Some might consider it foolish, but I find this experiment working for me.

For a while now, I have been wondering whether life is meant to be taken all that seriously. I have always taken my life very seriously and have always thought that I could control how things turn out for me by giving myself some semblance of security. As I find myself relaxing about life and taking things in their stride, somehow, it seems to make a lot more sense now. I really have no control over how things work out when other people are involved. Unless, I move to the mountains or the beach and live a life of complete seclusion, I have to deal with fellow human beings. I have no control over what others think and do and that is how it should be. However, that automatically reduces my control over my life in so far as it is related to other people. Instead of fretting over it as I was wont to do, I now find myself revelling in the uncertainty of it all.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I have no idea what the next hour will bring. All I know is that whatever it brings, I will be prepared for it- good, bad or ugly. In that sense, I have supreme confidence in myself and my abilities to overcome whatever hurdles I might find along the way. I don’t know where this confidence comes from but if I had to hazard a guess, it would be that it comes from this sense of feeling complete and whole.

I really really like myself. I like where my life is headed and all the possibilities which I have now become aware of. I like how the world feels like it is mine to conquer and how I feel 18 again. I like my positive attitude and my ability to smile at pretty much anything. Granted, nothing really major has happened, but I am confident that if something major happens, I will find myself smiling again very soon after the event.

Life works in really mysterious ways and I find myself embracing it as opposed to fighting it. Perhaps, that is the secret to happiness?

I feel alive. I feel free.

Playing God

As I write my ‘novel’, I can’t help but reflect on the process. For me, it is surprisingly easy. When I sit down to write, the words start flowing. I still have no idea where it is going but I enjoy that. I still have no idea what the genre of the novel is. I have a theme which is to explore various subjects through conversation. I have never been much of a fiction writer, in fact, this is my first attempt at fiction and if I hadn’t signed up for NaNoWriMo, I doubt this novel would have been ‘born’. Since I am more comfortable with writing short analytical and reflective pieces, I am doing the same thing but using conversation as a medium to do so in order to better articulate various themes I explore. So far, I have touched upon Ayn Rand, the Matrix and the whole reality/illusion debate, the concept of truth, history etc, as well as included some snippets from my personal life, such as the reason why I fell in love with mushrooms. While most of the novel is imaginary, in the sense that the conversations have not really taken place (except in my head), some of it has been drawn from actual conversations I have been lucky enough to have had. I suppose, to that extent, I draw a lot of inspiration from true events.

My biggest challenge is articulation. While, the concepts are very clear in my head, when it comes to explaining them, sometimes, I find it difficult to articulate clearly. However, I carry on writing anyway because as far as I am concerned, the basic idea is to get everything down on paper at first and improve upon it or edit it later. Perhaps, that is part of the reason why I don’t feel intimidated or bogged down. I don’t edit myself and I don’t put pressure on myself to make it perfect from the beginning. I am still exploring how this novel will carry on because 8000 words in, I am as clueless as the day I sat down to write it. I enjoy the mystery, though. I enjoy the fact that I have no beginning, middle or end in mind. I enjoy letting it unfold the way it wants to.

The other challenge I face is description. I have always found it difficult to describe things. I think I am a very visual person and I rarely notice the sounds and smells of a place. Be that as it may, ask me to describe a place visually and I usually draw a blank. My vocabulary immediately shrinks to include only words like big, bright, red and other mundane words used for description. I am unable to bring a place alive just by explaining it through words. Interestingly enough, something similar happens when I read- I am unable to visualise what the author has described. I suppose part of the reason for that is that I tend to get very lost when I read and the book takes on a life of its own. Characters look  and behave the way I want them to. Instead of strictly following what the author tells me, I go off on my own tangent. Fortunately that has never diminished my experience when it comes to reading. In fact, I find that it enhances it. Perhaps, that is why I find myself actively avoiding description when I write. Part of the reason is that if I start being descriptive, I know that I will feel intimidated and might lose my train of thought. The other reason is that I am procrastinating over it and hoping to postpone it as much as possible. The way I see it, I can always do it in the end and concentrate on the meatier parts of the novel right now. I don’t know if this is how it is done but I don’t think there is any right or wrong when it comes to writing (as a process); I think it really comes down to what works for me and this is working marvelously. I am happy.

One of the things I realised while writing is how much control an author has over not only her characters and the way their lives unfold but also over the way the reader reacts to the story. I don’t suppose every reader is like me,  rebelling against what the author dictates, not so much intentionally as because I can’t help myself. I have even fallen head over heels in love with characters. For example, I fell in love with Howard Roark when I read the first line of The Fountainhead- “Howard Roark laughed”. That did it for me because I instantly imagined this whole character around that sentence. Reading the opening paragraph where he jumps off a cliff naked pretty much sealed the deal for me. I still harbour very strong feelings for him. No, I am not insane and while my mother has not had me tested (yet!), I am fairly certain that I have managed to preserve at least some amount of sanity, despite the fact that my favourite animal is the figment of someone’s imagination (the unicorn, in case you are wondering) and I often wonder whether my life is merely a figment of my imagination. But I digress.

I love playing god with my characters. I know that I dictate everything they say, do, wear and even how they look. Their life plays out the way I want it to. I choose whether things work out for them or don’t; I decide whether they have a happy ending or not. This kind of power is mesmerising (to a certain extent). I have never been drawn towards power and I find the idea of having power particularly scary, especially this kind of absolute power, which has no real consequences. However, I enjoy the power I have over my characters because they are imaginary. If I choose to put in a lot of myself into the book, I can choose to play out my whole life the way I want it to, where everything works out for me and I have the happy ending I so desire. Perhaps, I can even use the novel as a means of delivering retribution to certain people, indulging my dark side, if you will. I think that is what is so lovely about writing fiction, the fact that I can indulge my deepest, darkest desires without letting them affect them anyone, including myself. At the same time, I know that if I put in too much of myself into this novel (as I am likely to do), it will never see the light of day and will sit unread on the hard drive of my dying laptop.

This is a challenge I face everyday- how much of myself I should put into my novel and how much of my dark side should I let it show. How personal can I make it without letting on the fact that it is me I am talking about in the ‘novel’. Having said that, I am also not particularly worried about this because I am not concerned whether this novel will ever be published. At some level, it is therapeutic for me (much like this blog) and if it allows me to grow as a writer and a person, I would be happy. After all, where there is one book, perhaps, there is another one just waiting to come out and surprise me, much like this one did.

For the time being, I am happy to just be writing, exploring various themes, styles, concepts and enjoying this kind of unbridled power. It is a heady experience and I intend to make the most of it. I wonder if I will reach the target 50,000 words by November 30, considering how far behind I am. However, as far as I am concerned, NaNoWriMo has served its purpose merely by giving me the incentive to write and allowing me to discover the words in me. Whether I win it or not, is now entirely irrelevant, for I know that I will continue to write long after November 30 has come and gone.

NaNoWriMo: Day 1 and 2

In a moment of enthusiasm, I signed up for NaNoWriMo, which involves writing 50,000 words of a fictional novel over a period of one month. As of now, I am already on the clock. Fact: I have no clue as to what to write. I don’t even have an idea as to the genre of the ‘novel’, let alone a plot for the ‘novel’. I have never considered myself to be a fiction writer. Descriptions elude me, dialogue- writing scares me and the thought of writing 50,000 words of something which ties in together makes me want to crawl into bed and stay there for all of November. I even find myself hoping that my already dying laptop- a 5 year old Sony Vaio with no battery and a graphic card which no longer works- takes its last breath. Of course, if that happens, I am screwed beyond belief so I really hope it doesn’t. Still, I am going to give it a shot.

I am going to try to type 50,000 words of something which forms a coherent whole over the month of November. I am hoping to get some inspiration for a plot through both passive and active means. I did once have this fantastic plot in my head (I think it was a dream- yes, very Stephenie Meyer) which I promptly forgot the next day or, possibly, even sooner. I remember nothing of the plot but I do remember thinking it was phenomenal. Writing 50,000 words within a month requires me to write an average of 1,667 words everyday this month. I usually write about 5,000 words a week. How do I intend to achieve this? Absolutely, no clue.

Why do I intend to achieve this? Honestly, boredom. I think I need something challenging. I have been contemplating doing something like setting myself 30 day challenges- perhaps, challenging myself to wake up early for a whole month or maybe, not have dessert for a whole month, or even something like, blog everyday. NaNoWriMo seemed to fit the bill perfectly when I signed up for it about 3 weeks back. Of course, I was hoping to have something in mind for the novel by now. But, come November, and I am still hopelessly lost.

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I wrote this yesterday hoping to relieve some of my angst regarding NaNoWriMo, and then, something strange happened. I suddenly got it into my head that I should try writing something. This sentence was playing on a loop in my head: “They met on a chilly December evening in New Delhi”. So, I opened up Scrivener, and typed out this line and words just started to flow. Before I knew it, I had typed out 2,041 words of something which was not trash. Of course, it would have to be heavily edited as well as fleshed out. Words flowed as if they had been in me all these years and were just waiting to come out.

I spent all of today angsting over what I would write tonight. I tried to think of a plot or some sort of story which would make sense. I had no idea what I would write tonight. I opened up Scrivener again and before I knew it, I had written another 1800 words.

The strange part: I have no plot. I have absolutely no idea where this story is heading. I have no idea what genre this novel would fall under. I have no character sketches or plot outlines or anything of the sort. All I have is 3821 words typed up in Scrivener which I am happy with. I will probably spend all of tomorrow angsting over what I am going to write but I suspect this novel will largely be written based on my experiences- the ones I have had as well as the ones I haven’t but would like to have. I suspect it will be slightly philosophical in nature as well.

I feel happy with myself and have this sense of something going right. I see a lot of writing coming up for me this month- between ‘my novel’ and this blog. I am looking forward to it. It is going to be a good month.

A Conversation

ME: I should blog.

Old ME: Why?

ME: Because I enjoy it.

Old ME: But what’s the point? You haven’t blogged in almost a month. So, why bother, now?

ME: There is no point except that I enjoy it and it helps me crystallize my thoughts.

Old ME: But how will you explain as to why you haven’t blogged in almost a month?

ME: Why do I need to explain it? To whom?

Old ME: Um.. to the world? Aren’t you acknowledging your failure at the whole blogging thing? Why would you want to do that?

ME: It is my blog. I can write 50 times a day or once in 50 days. Yes, I was lazy about blogging. Yes, the words refused to flow. Yes, I have considered giving it up especially since the momentum is lost. But, I have to start again.

Old ME: Why?

ME: Because I cannot fail. And if I fail, I have to pick myself up, dust my behind and carry on walking. I have to learn to not give up the moment an obstacle pops up. If I run away from blogging, it is just the start to running away from other things. It gets easier to give up everytime. Perhaps, so easy, that I might even stop trying eventually because it is easy to assume failure.

Old ME: But, you don’t like failing.

ME: Of course, I don’t. No one does. But, I enjoy succeeding. In order to succeed, I have to fail. I have to get used to failing and learn to carry on despite failure. You know what I am talking about, don’t you? How many times have you run away without fighting because you were afraid to fail?

Old ME: Too many times. But it works.

ME: No, it doesn’t. Have you ever considered that you might have succeeded at least once or twice out of all the times you ran away? Who knows, what you have missed out on!

Old ME: Yeah. I agree. But so what? At least I haven’t failed. 😛

ME: Yes, but you have also never really succeeded except those few times when against all odds, you fought the battle and won. And so what if you had failed? You would have just tried again. Perhaps, taken a different approach to the same problem or tried a completely different strategy.

Old ME: But I don’t like dealing with failure.

ME: Of course you don’t. However, in order to grow (both personally and professionally), you have to learn to fail, accept it and move on. Failure is a part of life. The sooner you accept it, the further you will go in life.

Old ME: But what does this whole conversation have to do with blogging?

ME: Don’t change the subject.

Old ME: Okay.. What do you want me to say?

ME: Nothing. I want you to keep quiet and let me be. I am not you anymore. I am learning how to accept failure and I don’t need you to rear your pretty little head and give me advice on this. Just keep quiet and let me try.

Old ME: Okay. You are going to regret this.

ME: No, I won’t.

Old ME: Grumble! Sigh! Do what you must but don’t come crying to me later.

ME: I won’t.

Old ME: Hmpf! Well, then, how about telling me what this has to do with blogging?

ME: Everything. My first instinct when I hadn’t blogged all this time was to just quit. I knew it would be easy. I have started and stopped a blog before also even though I enjoyed it immensely. In my mind, I had failed to stick to the schedule I had set for myself and I didn’t think it would be possible to pick up where I left off. Then it struck me: so what if I haven’t blogged for a whole month- its not such a big deal. Besides, if I give up on small things like this, how will I find the courage to pursue my dreams and the guts to get up if I fall. Sometimes, the small things matter as much as the big ones. Blogging, for example, has helped me figure out a lot of things and I consider it an integral part of my journey. It is a crucial stepping stone and failure at this juncture is unacceptable. Also, it really doesn’t take much to just start writing again. If I am unwilling to take a small action like that to ensure that I do not fail, how will I ever handle big problems and how will I travel around the world on my own.

No, getting back to blogging is of paramount importance- an anchor of sorts. It keeps me anchored and grounded and is a constant in my changing life. So, I have to do it.

Old ME: Hmmmm. You almost have me convinced.

ME: I am not you anymore so it doesn’t matter. I am going to go ahead and do it.

Old ME: Good luck. I long to tell you, “I told you so”.

ME: You wont have a chance to. So long.

Old ME: So long.