As I walk down this path, I am tremendously afraid. I am afraid that I won’t be able to sustain my enthusiasm. I am scared that I will just go back to what I was. I am terrified of the unknown because for the first time in my life, I don’t have even a semblance of a plan- just a multitude of ideas floating around in my head. I am also afraid that I’ll get bored (and that happens a lot to me- I get bored of things very quickly). Above all, I am concerned about my fantastic ability to sabotage myself. I am scared that I might do things purposely (at a sub-conscious level) to ensure that I either fail outright or put myself in a position where I have no option but to get back to what I was.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot because I am very conscious of my tendency (I am strangely self-aware) to sabotage myself. I suppose the most important step is to be aware of the chances of this happening. However, even though I have always been aware, it has still not stopped me from sabotaging myself; instead, I just find ways and means to rationalise the sabotage. Obviously, it goes a little deeper than I have always imagined.
Is it an inherent lack of belief in the fact that I deserve better? Or perhaps, an eroded sense of self-worth? Or maybe just fear of being different- it is so much easier to be just another brick in the wall. Maybe, even my all-encompassing fear of ‘What if’? Or even a combination of all of the above and then some?
It is encouraging when I tell someone what I am doing and s/he gives me a pat on the back. Strangely, I have not been met with much resistance and have actually been told to ‘go for it’. Sometimes, I even see a glint of admiration in the other person’s eyes (imagined maybe?). Yet, for some strange reason, with every thumbs-up I get, I put even more pressure on myself. To a certain extent, it has become a do-or-die situation. So, the more pressure I feel, more scared I become and so on. It is a vicious cycle which I need to break out of.
I need to step back and take a deep breath. I need to enjoy the journey and forgot about the destination. Ironically, while I should not to be afraid, I also need to remember this fear in order to not do something stupid. This sounds weird but, in a way, I need to be afraid to protect myself from myself.
Meanwhile, I am surviving on hope, as always. Trudging along determined to ensure that this time it will be different.