The other day I was watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (in 3D, of course), and there was this bit about the Sword of Godric Gryffindor which takes in only that which makes it stronger. It reminded me of something I have been told repeatedly about how every experience makes me stronger and better equipped to deal with life and its problems. I have also been told that the reason I suffer is because I can take it- apparently my constitution (or whatever) allows me to handle these situations better than others.
I don’t know how much stronger I have become as a result of negative experiences; what I do know is that in most cases, I have let these negative experiences hold me back. I have let them define who I am, I have let them become a very strong part of my identity and I have given them complete control over my choices. They define what I do or don’t do, they have influenced every minor/major decision I have ever taken and they scare me to no ends. How I have dealt with it is that I have built an impregnable wall around me. No one gets in and no one gets to really know me. Simple and safe.
While this strategy has worked really well for me in most cases, I find myself wondering whether it is such a good idea after all. It is stopping me from living my life the way I want to. It is preventing me from having all those experiences which I want to. Half of my bucket list (still in my head) is never going to be translated into action if I go on like this. Is it really worth it? Should I remain hostage to all these negative experiences? Should I give them so much power over me? It is a good idea to protect myself but perhaps, I am taking it too far?
While I still do not understand why I have to go through all the crap doled out to me at regular intervals, I realise that the most important thing is to not let them control my life. I just have to stop wallowing in self-pity and move on. This blog is a strange exercise for me because I have never put myself out there for the world to see; never been this honest. (A friend of mine told me that if she did not know I was the one writing this blog, she would never have guessed it was me.) It makes me feel vulnerable but, at the same time, it is giving me a sense of freedom because I consider it an important step towards freeing myself from the power these negative experiences wield over me. While I am still not ready to break down the wall completely, I am slowly taking it down- one brick at a time.