I find myself questioning the nature of happiness. Presently, I am happy in a way which is very new to me. For starters, it is internal happiness and not the result of a good day, an interesting conversation, a new purchase, a wild drunken night with my girlfriends or any other external factor. I am happy simply because I am at peace with myself and my circumstances. I am at peace with the world and (to a certain extent) with my past.
One of the core reasons for my happiness is that (for a change), I am not doing anything I don’t want to. I am also not doing things I am expected to do just to meet expectations. In my own way, I am learning to say ‘no’ even if it makes me a bitch or even if it makes other people unhappy. I am putting myself above others and 100% of my energy is being spent on keeping myself happy. Yes, it sounds selfish, but is it really? Is it always a good idea for me to think of others before I think of myself? But, I digress. That is for another blog post altogether.
Another reason which I attribute towards this sense of peace, is the fact that I am living a (essentially) reclusive life. I spend most of the day with myself and neither feel the need to interact with other people nor do I miss human interaction. I (sort of) understand why hermits decide to live by themselves. It is strangely liberating. At the same time, on the few occasions that I do interact with people, I enjoy it immensely. Perhaps, I just perceive social interaction in a different way now. I have no idea but hope to figure this out some time in the near future.
Almost everything seems perfect. However, I have this constant feeling that this may be just a phase and that one day I will wake up to a world where nothing makes sense any longer. I wonder when this phase might get over. But, I don’t want it to get over. I want this feeling to just continue. I am scared to break status quo. I am terrified of anything which might make this happy feeling go away. I want to hold onto it more than anything else. It has never been like this before. But then, I have never been happy like this before.
Is it a good thing to be so happy especially since it is making me afraid of testing new waters? Is it a good thing to be so happy if I am so afraid of losing it? I have just worked so hard to find this inner peace, the thought of losing it gives me the heebie-jeebies. Is this happiness affecting my growth (on a personal and professional level) in a negative manner? Is it holding me back? I don’t know. All I know is that I am happy and want to continue to be happy.
In other news: I still haven’t decided on whether to take up the project or not but, due to recent developments, I am now more inclined to say no. I think I should have the answer for this by tomorrow since I don’t want to postpone this anymore.