After days of procrastinating, making excuses and hyperventilating, I finally drafted a mail, prepared my CV and sent it out to a start-up to offer them my services as a freelance social media marketer. It was strange. I did not give myself the time to think about it- I just did it. Before I knew it, I had pressed the sent button. My first reaction was panic followed by immense relief and (to an extent) peace. I am glad I did it even though I don’t know what to expect. In a strange sort of way, I feel in control.
Over the past few days, I have vacillated between feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness and this urge to just get going. I have been plagued by fear and uncertainty. I am happy that I channelised it productively by working on a handbook on social media marketing instead of just watching television. However, I also realised that I am losing precious time by not trying especially since it will be days and possibly, weeks, before I manage a decent version of the handbook. I had to stop making excuses. And I did.
In a strange sort of way, it has given me this feeling of control because I am finally trying. After all, what is the worst that can happen? They might say no. But then again, they might just say yes. Without trying, I had no way of finding out. Without trying, I had no way of moving on and trying out something else.
Looking back, I realise that over the course of my life, I have never tried particularly hard to do anything. I have only attempted that which was largely certain and made excuses for everything else. I, now, wonder how much I have possibly missed out on because I failed to try and because I was too afraid. I chose to let fear cripple me as opposed to let it motivate me. How foolish!
Has the fear disappeared? Far from it. I am still afraid and I know that over the next few days, I will be constantly checking email hoping to hear from them. Frankly, I have no idea what I am going to do if they reject my application. I do not have a Plan B. I am hoping to figure it out soon.
Sometimes, I think that being a lawyer was so much easier- all I had to do was show up in office, finish the work assigned to me, go home and get my monthly paycheck. Instead, I am now trying very hard to follow my dreams and facing a whole lot of uncertainty. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. It is liberating in a way but also so fucking scary. My one hope is that a little bit of hardship now will save me tonnes of grief later on in life. Fortunately, I am still young and can afford to take chances.
The only thing that keeps me going is conviction that even though I am fumbling along, I am still doing things my way and not someone else’s way. I am finally trying to follow my dreams and working towards them as opposed to complaining. I am sure that when I reflect on my struggles at this point of time, I will be happy that I chose the difficult path over the easy path.
Meanwhile, que sera sera. I will continue to have hope.